for you...

i would.

if that's not enough... i don't know what.

my love.. b-Fyzal... my final destination.

...

like being strucked by lightning
unable to move
my weak body
unable to speak for it hurts
so afraid of saying the wrong things
that'll hurt the one i love...

i want to say something comforting
but it turns out to be worse
it turns out i'm not the Goddess of Love
i'm just some lame girl
ruining everyone's heart

and now he hates me
for what should i do now?
i'm lost without words
my tears can't stop streaming down my cheek
i feel like jumping off a cliff

i'm clueless now...

do you know i love you, bee?
do you?

do you know i love you?
do you know i love you?
do you know i love you?
do you know i love you?
do you know i love you?
do you know i love you?
do you know i love you?
do you know i love you?
do you know i love you?
do you know i love you?
do you know i love you?
do you know i love you?
do you know i love you?
do you know i love you?
do you know i love you?
do you know i love you?
do you know i love you?
do you know i love you?
do you know i love you?
do you know i love you?
do you know i love you?
do you know i love you?
so deep it hurts...
i'm hurt... without you...

i'm so sorry bee................ . . . .. . . . . . . . . .

follow your heart

have you ever had 2nd thoughts about your relationship?
well, if you do... trust your instincts. kalau dlm hati dah rasa takkan menjadi, maknanya takkan menjadi... trust me, it happened a lot of times with me.
the sad part is, when you love that person so much, but you have this gut feeling it's not gonna work, and you try to leave that person but you can't... but you know you had to... damn... time tu la rasa nak terjun bangunan...
but, if you do have this uncomfortable feeling it's not gonna work, you have 2 choices - leave it, or work it out...

Leave
it's not easy. the painful part is when the blame is on you. but worst of all the hurt inside.. deep inside where no one knows how you really feel. and you don't know what's ahead of you. how's tomorrow like? will you find someone better? can i survive? will the heartache ever stop... eventually it will stop, could be 2 weeks, 2 years, 20 years... no one knows... but when you do get over it, you'd see things clearer. the pain still lingers but when reality hits back, you'll understand why it's destined to be that way... not that i'm encouraging breakups, but when you do start to have 2nd thoughts, those 2nd thoughts WILL haunt you forever...

Work it out
sounds easy. if it turns out to be okay, you're the winner. and you'd appreciate your efforts more. only if you don't allow those 2nd thoughts to haunt you. but if it turns out to be what you've been doubt-ing (ada ke ayat ni?), then that's the risk you'll have to accept. i always choose to fight and work things out, up to a point i give up when it doesn't work out and go back to the first choice, where i'd leave. not strong enough to fight for your love? well, if the love is worth it, why not... if you think the suffer is worth it, by all means, God will repay for your patience, insyaallah...

i always remind myself, to love myself first., because i always neglect my own feelings.. so i choose to be selfish... i guess too much heartache taught me to be this way...

anyway, i'm happy with how i am now. no 2nd thoughts whatsoever. i try not to think too much anymore. plus the person i'm with right now has filled my heart with happiness... and i have no complains.

bee, stay strong with me... and let's stay in love...

meluat

i tgh bengang dgn sorang mamat ni, who turns out to be one of my clients. ok, sorry to offend any of you government servants out there, but i'm pointing out these few government servants who have 'titles', you know, ketua jab, timbalan pengarah, blablabla... urgh... i jijik ngan korang yg gatal2 ni tauuu.....

apa ko ingat aku ada bisnes ngan tempat ko, ko ada hak nak mempergunakan aku habis2? hey, although i do sales, that doesn't mean i have to entertain u 24/7. itu zaman lapok punya bisnes!! i sell quality products and i don't have to entertain u for the sake of getting ur order! eeeeeeee meluat! kalau ko ada hak nak reject barang aku pun takpe, reject la... nanti tempat ko sorang je takde product aku, which will make ur place look so lame using china brand products yg tak kualiti. pegidah. aku buat bisnes cara halal. no rasuah. no unnecessary entertainment. no nothing!

kalau ko nak tepon aku tgh2 mlm sbb nak borak bodoh, nak ajak aku pi minum sbb nak borak bodoh, takyah. aku takde masa. plus it won't do me any good. i tau setengah orang akan ckp "alaa... entertain government mmg camtu"... aaaa sori ek. aku ada cara lain nak entertain. aku bleh bagi ko present2 mahal, holiday package, hamper, duit pun aku bleh bagi kalau ko nak (rasuah la ni, although takat ni aku tak pernah bagi), tapi kalau nak borak2 bodoh ngan aku SORRY!!! mcm takleh borak masa aku buat casual visit ngan korang. ingat ko bleh call aku mlm2 semata2 nak borak? korang punya clock dah rosak ke apa? aku pun ada personal time ok????

korang ingat korang punya story spt "saya diberi tanggungjawab besar", "boss saya percayakan saya", "saya yg control semua kat sini", "saya belajar oversea", "saya busy man", etc akan buat aku lebih menjaga hati korang? boleh blah la... aku byk lagi client yg ikhlas buat bisnes ngan aku. i've learned how to smell skunks like you guys. and all of you make me sick to the max i feel like puking right at your crotch!!

ok ok.. sure korang ingat aku ni perasan la kan..? yes, aku perasan! aku perasan korang nak take advantage of me, tackle me, fool me, use me, etc. so what? ni badan aku la, aku ada hak nak jaga peribadi aku. and it's because i've gone through these types of morons that i've learned how to smell you stinking animals. first you'll call sampai aku surrender and pegi lunch/dinner, then borak2 bodoh amik masa berjam2 without talking about work, then start la nak menggatal ajak pegi tempat2 tak senonoh, tangan start nak meraba2... ko ingat aku desperate sgt sampai sanggup buat camtu? i'm not desperate for your orders, so you can fuck off!! skrip korang pakai sumer sama la... mana korang belajar arr?? ada buku panduan ek? basi ok...

korang ni tak malu ke? call aku berkali2 satu hari. bleh tak mamat ni call aku semata2 nak tanya jalan??? aku ingatkan ko berpangkat BESAR, ramai kawan, tanya la kawan2 ko yg lebih berPENGETAHUAN TINGGI!! and then on the next day ajak pi lunch the very last minute. oh.. and the day before msg me just to tell me dia ada bz schedule for that day and the next day, and blablabla.... I DONT GIVE A FUCK ABOUT YOUR LIFE LA! AND I DIDNT ASK PUNNNN!!!

ok... msg la aku lagi ajak lunch... aku bawak boss aku skalik. padan muka ko!!

why dont you let ME do the chasing? haa.. time aku kejar order siap la kooo.... aku msg ko tiap jam! baru ko tau betapa rimasnye dpt msg yg merimaskan nih!

apsal korang confident sgt aku nak layan korang ar? sbb korang ada kuasa bagi PO? aku tak gentar sikit pun la. ke korang ingat korang hensem sgt? gaji besar sgt? pangkat tinggi sgt? dpt tido hotel best2 and travel sana sini tanpa bayar se-sen? aku tak heran laaaaaaaaa......... let me tell you... first of all nobody can top my bF so aku tak heran pandang laki lain dah, gaji ko aku rasa lagi rendah dari aku, pangkat ko setakat kuli berkereta besar aku pun tak heran, hotel? travel? i can afford without claiming ok???

yes aku berlagak kat sini. aku berlagak ngan korang sumer. i believe in my actions because my dad tak pernah ajar aku nak melayan orang2 yg hina mcm korang. if i dont make it as a sales manager because of this, then this job is not for me, and i dont care because rezeki can be found anywhere. aku jual air soya pun boleh sara family aku, insyaallah.

you make me sick...

sekian saja luahan hatiku. kepada client2 aku yg lain yg mulia2 tu aku respect kat korang sbb hati ikhlas nak berbisnes dgn cara halal dan betul... may Allah expand your wealth and health.

and to you stinking assholes, go home and fuck your wives, you itchy dicks! eeeeeeee............. nak pegi muntah skg gak. BYE!

My hard-earned love

How does God create this, an art of love beyond dreams
I want to remain here forever
Dreams all fade, create yesterday
But I know this can stay...

Last week, a friend asked me, what makes me love my bf so much?
Simple answer, I told her I feel like no.1 with him.. all the time.
And when you're no.1, you have everything else that follows.
I have love, someone who cares.. and most of all, I have a bestfriend.
It's unlikely for anyone to believe that I could click with him.. but we do click.
I guess the things that I'm lacking, he fills it up for me. Vice versa.
He makes me laugh, he's very affectionate, he appreciates me, he's a wonderful bedtime-story teller, he talks to me about everything...
The fact that he's very sensitive, emotional, and clingy only makes me adore him more and more. In this case, we're so alike. I love to love, so it gives me the chance to love him more... I know you like that, don't you, bee?

The thing is, he makes me feel as if he's been searching for me all these while... I wasn't searching, but I was praying for someone like him.

I feel so attached to him, and I couldn't imagine my life without him.
What would I do without you, bee? You know I love you...



p/s: Yes, I know I'm a little bit (ok, alot!) jiwang here. I can't help it, I'm in love...

Love of My Life...

Where you are, that's where I wanna be
Through your eyes are all the things I wanna see
In the night you are my dream, you're everything to me

You're the love of my life and the breath in my prayers
Take my hand and lead me there
What I need is you here

I can't forget the taste of your mouth
From your lips all the heavens pour out
I can't forget when we are one
With you alone I am free

Everyday, every night, you alone are the love of my life

We go dancing in the moonlight
With the starlight in your eyes
We go dancing till the sunrise
You and me, we're gonna dance, dance, dance

Trophy

call it lust
whatever you must
don't see what's all the fuss
another trophy won
passion all none
somehow someday that's just

gleaming away
figured you'd sway
only to last 'til it strays
believe me hon
another trophy won
another price you'd have to pay

listen close
they're actors most
inside empty full of hoax
well it's done
another trophy won
that's the life egos chose

walking with pride

i'm satisfied that i know now that my instincts are so true all these while, satisfied that what i held back to protect other people's pride than my own has now shown that i am no longer in the dark side. i'm satisfied with just by letting my mouth shut, while God has always revealed the truth right to my face, and that makes me so satisfied to know that i can now rest in peace and move on with my life because God has proven to my ownself that i do posses a great instinct to make decisions that others yet to understand. i'm so satisfied that my gut feelings have guided me through out of misery and doubt that i have been keeping for years. i'm so satisfied that i didn't have to do anything to prove that my instincts are right. i'm so satisfied that God has finally brought out the clear picture to all the confusions and questions that had been hovering me for so long. i'm so fucking satisfied that i had sacrificed my pride and ego, only to prove that the truth is on my side. i'm so satisfied that nobody has to thank me for anything at all, because i can only thank myself for holding everything back and let the truth creeps its way out of all these crap i've been protecting. i'm so satisfied that i can now walk with my head up high and show my finger to anyone who passes me by because i know that i am right!

what i'm angry is that i did not believe my instincts earlier...

lei... lei ho yea ahh... tiuuwww.....

" If you didn't listen to your heart inside
then it really doesn't matter what was on your mind "

Promises...

(Thought I'd share this old poem I found... Nothing to do with whatever la... So, please jangan nak terasa-merasa nih... I just find this poem suitable to make it into a song... )

Look at me
Have I not treat you right?
Cry when you cry
Pamper you at night
Kiss you endlessly
Didn't I lose the fight?
And let you be the shining knight

Tell me what else can I do
Do you need more time?
How else would I feed you?
Have I wasted your time?
Am I not the one?
To share all your fun
Miseries and sorrows

I hang over your promises
When you lifted me from those dreaded days
Given no time to weigh
The offer I need not pay
Given no choice
You promised me happiness
And still I wait
As you promise

One more promise and I'm gone
One more pain and I'm gone
One more tear and I'm gone
One more promise… and I'm gone…

Tell me
Have I not loved you right?

~15 November 2005

Wow...

It's amazing how one's fate can change in just a blink of an eye...

God is Fair...

tired

buat salah
tak buat pun salah
cakap salah
tak cakap pun salah
senyum salah
tak senyum pun salah
suka salah
tak suka pun salah
cuba salah
tak cuba pun salah
nak salah
tanak pun salah
happy salah
tak happy pun salah
excited salah
tak excited pun salah
nak tolong salah
tanak tolong pun salah
usaha salah
tak usaha pun salah
semuanya salah laa senang...

i've committed, but not admitted... thank you so much for everything.


dulu aku mengaku salah pun orang tanak terima pengakuan aku... it's like i'm invincible, like i never do mistakes.
now, the wind has change... everything i do is wrong.

harharhar... life is sucky. i'm not affected though, but i find it hillarious that sometimes people don't see the big picture, and prefer to pick on little itsy bitsy details. we're not children anymore, and we should absorb and try to analyze and understand the situation. always have the mind set of anticipation. anticipate.. anticipate.. anticipate. paham tak anticipate tu apa??? contoh bawak keta la, kita kena selalu anticipate ada motor nak swing kuar ke jalan kita la gitu... so when someone does/say something that isn't your kind of language, try to widen your creative heads you have over there and understand the fucking situation! I HAVE NEVER ONCE THINK NEGATIVE OF WHATEVER YOUR ACTIONS ARE! infact, i want to try to understand it. but then again, what's the use when everything i try to do is wrong to you.

ko nak aku buat camne lagi? camni? camni?? (gaya2 keroro masa nak makan burger)

so, my bags are packed... and i'm damn sure ready to go. i'm not loosing anything. penat je la nak start balik... and patah hati sket (sket je... elehh... uwekkkk...nyampah...)
back to square one, girl...

wonderful people... wonderful...

Free

it has come again
haunting me
hurting me
penetrating my mind
stabbing my heart
please go away
and bring back the strength i once had
i need to fight back
thank you once again
for taking away my self esteem
i fight with my mouth shut
it has always been like that
but the message has never ever been delivered
your loss for not giving me the chance
and now i totally lost it
i don't know how to fight
you can come and challenge me one on one
and i will lose even before you claim you've won
i only can rely on fate
that one day you can see
i'm just letting the puzzle fall into place
only then i can finally be free
i know my revenge will be claimed
but not through my own strength
the truth will creep its way to me
only then i'd know i'm finally free...


He always fights for me...

bee, thank you for listening... i know you care...

Tomyam 2000 - RIP

Tempat yang aku selalu makan dinner bersama b-Fyzal; Tomyam 2000, kini tiada lagi... Kenapa aku emo sangat pun aku taktau apsal. Maybe it's because it brings lots of memories to me.

I eat there almost everyday, at times only the both of us, other times with our friends... We'd go for dinner as early as 6pm and talk till we drop at 12midnite. The service is good, where your food will be served less than 5 mins, dlm 3 min camtu lar. Tak sempat gulung rokok dia dah sampai... Food takde la cam 5-star la, tapi sedap! Currently we're both addicted to the kerabu perut.. demmit... satu hal nak carik tempat dating/lepak baru...

Waiter/waitress pun masing2 dah kenal muka kita, and vice versa... Kita jadi bahan tontonan dorang, hahaha maklum la, orang baru bercinta. They've seen us date, talk all nite, laugh, happy, bored, played silly hand games, argue, lovey-dovey... To them, we're the mini-series soap opera... hahahaha... Well, they don't know that I was watching them too... sigh... mana nak carik tempat best lagi nih?

Tomyam 2000... why? oh why?? No notice? No warning? No relocation sign?? Why leave us when we were hungry??

Tomyam 2000 - RIP

hey girl...

forgive us, for we are always second-hand... it ain't easy...
we know that you'll understand...

I choose to be this way.

Blizzard

in the blizzard
things started to swirl
up and down
round and round
it was when
held up conversation
made it a sensation
to most probably
but none needs to know
when the river of tears flow
like showers from the waterfall afar
from the lonesome star
i took a picture
in memory i'd remember
that very moment
when i realized we have each other
and no other
coz no one could see
the star hidden between
those dark clouds that twirls
when the blizzard started to swirl


i'm always here for you

3 ways to be rich instantly

Yes... after all the tips I gave before... I'm still broke.
So here's a better solution to all of you who are like me... plain broke...

1. Rompak bank - yes, here you can find millions of ringgit and will last you your whole life through... just don't get caught la.

2. Hack into bank negara and transfer all the money to your account - haa... this one sounds like terer terer one lar... no need to drive, bring tools, run here and there... just sit at ur desk with ur pc and do ur work. just don't get caught la.

3. Make a personal loan and run away from the country, duduk kat Bandung - hehehe... barang2 kat Bandung murah tau, and you can be a millionaire with the loan you made.. hahaha... jangan balik mesia tau. just don't get caught la.

Sape nak sewa rumah aku kat Sunway tu? Pintu gril, lampu, kipas sumer dah siap... ada swimming pool, pakgad, personal car park... dekat sangat ngan Sunway Pyramid... meh meh... PM aku...

Click!

I can't wish to be happier than this, because I don't know how.
I am now complete. Not decorated.